Introduction
Codependency is where a person measures their self-worth and well-being in relation to the needs of one or more people, usually to the detriment of their own needs. It's characterized by sacrificing their personal needs, and instead, trying to control or "saving" the other person. This causes healthy boundaries to be lost and their own personal growth stunted.
What causes codependency
- Growing up in dysfunctional families or environments where emotions were suppressed or ignored can contribute to the development of codependent patterns.
- It can be a learned behavior passed down through families, where individuals model the behaviors of their parents or other significant figures.
- Traumatic experiences, such as abuse or neglect, can also contribute to the development of codependent behaviors.
How it manifests:
- Relying heavily on another for emotional support, validation, and self-worth.
- Neglecting their own desires, feelings, and needs.
- People pleasing and avoiding conflict, even at the expense of their own needs or feelings.
- Unable to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others, often allowing others to take advantage of them.
- Taking on the role of a "rescuer" or caretaker, feeling responsible for the other person's behavior and choices.
- The codependency is often driven by low self esteem and feelings of guilt.
- Struggling to trust others and oneself, often fearing rejection or abandonment.
- Excessive focus on controlling the other person's behavior or emotions in an effort to manage their own anxieties and insecurities.
Consequences of Codependency:
- Codependents self esteem is so low that they don't know how to be in mutually supportive relationships.
- They will repeatedly choose partners who may abuse them physically, psychologically, emotionally and financially.
- The codependent feels enormous shame about their repeated behaviour but does not know how to break the cycle.
- Their partner or child often gaslights them so that they begin to believe they are mad and imagining things that have really happened.
- Self care is neglected. They will break themselves financially while ensuring that their partner has what they need/want.
- Their health suffers and levels of anxiety and depression increase.
- They are so focused on the needs of others that they lose their sense of identity and independence.
- They will go to great lengths to avoid conflict and therefore have no boundaries.
How do you break the codependency cycle?
- There is no quick fix. Frequently the person the codependent is trying to "save" is extremely manipulative. They know exactly which buttons to press to get their own way.
- Learning to say NO and mean it, is hard.
- Indivdual or group therapy can provide a safe space to explore the root causes of codependency and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
- Learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries with others is essential for protecting one's own needs and well-being.
- Building a strong sense of self-worth and confidence can help to reduce the need for external validation.
- Prioritizing self-care activities and engaging in hobbies and interests can help to restore a sense of balance and well-being.
